Wake up.. try to go back to the dream… what was it? Driving a car down an impossible rubbery road. Do I have a baby in the back.. Rory? The more I try to grasp it the more it eludes me. Reluctantly accept I had better start the routine.
Fantasize about delicious toast redolent with salted butter, tangy apricot jam and on the other, sharp salty Vegemite… all washed down with strong red dust Rhooibus… prop my pillows up… grab a really absorbing book… ah bliss !
Instead it’s lying on back with blankets up to neck. Yank left sock off and make sure it lands on bedside table not floor or in bedclothes WHERE IT COULD END UP FOREVER LOST IN A BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
Body Part – Left Knee
1.Slides x 18
See it’s not that bad… quite relaxing really. See how nice it is to feel the cool 1000 thread count sheet under your foot? Brain remains pleasantly disengaged.
2. Knee presses. Hand outside blanket counting hold for 5 counts x 18 repeats
Six, eleven,.. damn, what was I up to? Start with 5 again. Concentrate… That was weird the bit in the dream about a plumber with a mad red wig. First his head was not attached, then when I looked again it was on his body. The half built house – plasterboard off in one spot…what was I up to? Surely I’ve finished…
Body Part – Arms
3. Hands clasped straight arm raises to 90 degrees x 18 repeats
Great. This one I can do mindlessly.
4.Lying on right side, place cushion under left slightly bent arm & using fairly hard to locate muscle to lift from the elbow up. x 18 repeats.
Is this week recycling week? Should I have put the extruded plastic steak container in the recycling? Did it have a triangle on the back? Is it going to landfill anyway? Back to counting.
Body Part – Core
5. Knees raised, feet on sheet, cushion between legs, pelvic floor pull ups x 10 repeats
It’s the one I dread because it requires so much effort. Where are those bloody muscles? Am I actually doing them? Should do them more often especially when driving.. seven (was it seven?).. keep going, concentrate… think of a beautifully firm pelvic floor – saving your back! Incontinence begone.
Phew – one lot done. Heave and rotate body (as per physio’s advice so legs hit the ground without injuring back) out of bed. In auto pilot retrieve cushion and foam mat out of wardrobe (taking care not to jam fingers in adjacent sliding wardrobe door) and take into the lounge room. Remember that you need to not have an asthma attack whilst doing this exercise so go to bathroom, do not pass Go. Take your asthma medications x 2 inhalers. Rinse mouth with warmish water so as not to get jagged spike of pain in left upper tooth.
Remember safety and preventative measures are paramount at this age… yawn.
Set Spotify to Chakra Healing (under “Calming Music”).
Use chair arm to gradually get to a kneeling position. From there gently unfold creaky joints to lying on stomach position on mat… breathe sigh of relief. You made it to a horizontal position!
Body Part – Spine (Bulging Disc)
6. Raise side chest muscles (lifting shoulders) x 18
This one’s easy and restful. At carpet level I notice a scrap of silver paper… must pick that up to hide evidence of chocolate bingeing from partner ..16, 17, 18.
7. Cobra… x 18 repeats breathing in on the uplift, breathe out to bring pelvis to floor to increase spinal bend.
Ahhhgghh… it’s only pain.. it will be all worth it in the end. I remember when “morning exercises” had another meaning. One day that drought might break so it will be handy to have a flexible back. Pay attention young lady and stop fantasizing… you’ll only be left with unresolved etc.
8. Still lying on stomach bend left leg at knee, roll to right, roll back and extend left leg while raised x 18 repeats
Getting good at this one… maybe it’s not doing much anymore. This is far too easy. Enjoy it while it lasts.
9. Lie on side feet together. Side clam knee lifts (left leg) x 18 repeats
10. Still on side: Lie with legs extended straight out then lift left leg, moving it back to original position x 18 repeats
Whew! Curl up in foetal position on side. Think about how to get up. Whatever you do – DON’’T be spontaneous. This requires concentration. Roll onto all 4s position then use arm of chair to stand up. Take cushion and mat back to wardrobe. Open other wardrobe door (without jamming fingers) and get out exercise ball.
Exercise Ball
Body Part – Lower back and core
Kneel down as if praying to ball then get in “hugging ball position”.
11. Curve body around ball. Do 5 x leg raises using unseen, unheard, unknown muscles in core to do so – making sure not to wobble too much.
I think I can vaguely feel some core muscles working there. To be encouraged. Speaking of curves… are we flattening it yet? Last time I looked it was more like a viciously steep parabola. Trying to remember where I hid that bottle of brandy? ..10,11,12
12. 5 x arm raises – to exercise all of core.
13. Put moccasins on for next exercise (so arthritic toe doesn’t bend). Lean weight on ball with legs stretched out and walk the ball forward and back, using deeply clenched lower back muscles but be careful not to strain anything.
Flop over ball breathing sigh of relief at having finished exercises.
14. Have shower.
Was it in the wardrobe?
After shower take:
15.Glucosamine
16.Fish Oil,
17. Garlic + Vitamin C + Horseradish tablets.
18. Do makeup: Base, eyeshadow, mascara.
Yes, even in lockdown. Musn’t let standards drop.
19. Insert hearing aids.
20. Get breakfast: muesli +cardboard GF cereal (Ancient Grains) + walnuts + fresh fruit + milk. Cup of tea.
21. Take anti-inflammatory tablet while eating breakfast.
Oh that’s right it’s in my pyjama drawer… but have I got any dry ginger to go with it?
